Tag Archives: change

Throw me out of the side of a plane and I’ll just see where I land

Pandora is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I spend most of my days at work listening to music on it and I stumble upon song after song that I love.

If you haven’t caught the drift yet, the songs are the inspiration and the backbone to anything I ever end up writing on here. The lines play over again and again in my mind like these concepts and ideas about life that fester in the back of this brain of mine. Fester…what a terrible word that sounds exactly like what it describes.

The best parts of my work day are when I can just coast through words about random companies and government agencies and just bob my head. Yeah, this song is a head bobber for me. I wonder what kind of sign that is when it is the highlight of your day…

All I know is change is coming. It is coming in big, big ways. And guess what, I am not as ready for it as I want to be.

These topics I come to seem so repetitive after a while, but that may be because the issues we face on a regular basis are incredibly unoriginal and more similar to other peoples than we would like to admit.

But, change is coming and I feel myself unsteady, unsure, not because I am caught off guard. In fact, I almost think it is worse that I realize what is coming far before it will arrive. You see, there is this thing called security. And when you don’t have it, things begin to deteriorate.

It’s hard to say if surprise changes are any better really. You would think that when you know about something so far in advance, change then becomes a plan instead of a surprise. It could be something you embrace. Embrace it for the spontaneity, the newness and for your own braveness in searching out the unknown.

I know that in life, we are in search of these moments of security. They seem far and few most of the time. It is at the root of every search we have. Jobs, relationships, futures and the like.

I scarcely let myself believe that anything is secure and when I do, I find my feet are gone from beneath me. It’s a sort of unwilling vulnerability.

There are moments when we are just begging and begging that something will come our way. That something will be different from it was before, different in the way we want it be. But I guess that is the point. More often than not, we are dealing with the different that wasn’t what we wanted.

Let’s not be so negative, now. There are times when change comes in the form we most wanted. Those are the moments in life we so shortly applaud and quickly forget as soon as the next bump in the road rises high before our path. Oh and what a pain to have to reach your legs higher, a pain to stride, to sweat, to pant and to gasp for air.

There are times when I have begged for change so religiously that it became unbearable to deal with the present. If there is anything I know, it’s that life is far too short and far too abundant with opportunity to turn yourself into someone always sweating the little things.

So often, I cheesily think about life as I do running. Those of you who run may understand why.

A run never starts and finishes the same way. There are days when the first steps send throbbing pain through every muscle in my legs and then days were there could not be an easier thing to do. Sometimes that hill in the middle of my run seems a lot bigger than it was the day before and it never ever fails that the day you plan to run six miles, you feel like two is a serious stretch.

There is never a day that turns out as I thought it would. And it is incredibly easy to get caught in the currents of the what ifs and the I have nots, but then again, there is reassurance in the fact that both things will change again and that life is not so predictable as you thought.

Let’s be honest here, it is so very easy to get so entrenched in the negativity following dashed hopes and misshapen dreams, but come tomorrow, there will be a new hill, a new course, a new obstacle to lead yourself through and then there is no time to pay attention to the worries of yesterday or worse, tomorrow.

So maybe instead you dwell on these things. You dwell on the change, you dwell on the outcome and you dwell on what you want. Sometimes I think dreams are so very inhibitive. You are forever worried about tomorrow instead of enjoying the right here and right now. At the same time, you have to have that thing guiding you toward making the best of the right now. It is this ever changing (yes, change) and ever evolving thing. It’s a loaded question, a topic on repeat, a sentence without an ending.

We so often have this tendency of crippling ourselves. Sometimes it is because of the mistakes we have made, sometimes it is fear of the future and sometimes it is just because we don’t know who else to pick on.

I think I am done with the crippling for now, the worrying and over analyzing. I think sometimes you just have to let life happen and sometimes you have to just throw yourself into the mess it is.

We can’t be crippled by the past. We can’t be overly concerned for the future. There is hardly sense in worrying over something there is little control in.

At the end of the day, you just have to take comfort in the fact that the only secure thing is that this all will soon change. That should be secure enough.

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A cacophony, the love and brutality

Melody of a Fallen Tree by Windsor For The Derby

What is it that made us believe in permanence? Over and over again I’ve heard that nothing lasts forever. Each time the season changes, each morning when I wake up, there is always this feeling of surprise that it came, that it came at all. I am getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach again, like every fall. As I slowly watch the sunlight fade to duller hues, days growing shorter, and leaves tumbling to the brown grass. There is always the same feeling in me, as if I never believed it would truly come again.

An urgency lives in each of us. An urgency to get past this hurdle, this feeling this need. There is an urgency in us to find that place of perfect happiness. Truly I know that it will always be brief and fleeting. I know that each feeling, each emotion, each day and motion lasts only a glimpse, only a brief breath of time.

Life is something like a funnel. When I was young, everything seemed so large, so full of life and opportunity. There were innumerable choices that could lead to no possible wrong end in my mind. There were school days, summer days, play days, but I don’t know if there was more than that in my mind. And slowly I am spiraling through this funnel that is growing smaller, thinner and more confined. For the first time in a while, I want to just run free. I want to just do whatever for a while. Just get by. There was a time when I thought there would be a plan. There was a time when I believed that there was a path. For now, I think there is nothing but right now. There is the sunlight, the daytime and the night. Even that will not last forever.

Maybe you are unwilling to admit what I am willing to say. It’s terrifying just to live sometimes. It’s exhausting more often. And there is this constant wandering, this meandering until things improve, until we know. Well I don’t think we will really ever know. An irony in itself to say you can’t know anything for sure, but I think the answer you are seeking always comes eventually. To fight just to fight, to throw your arms up in disbelief. Did you really think this day wouldn’t come? This day will always be coming. The day where things don’t work out as you planned. The day you lose something you thought you never would. And you can beg all you want, you can beat you chest, you can ache in pain. Or you can just pack your clothes in a bag and move to a different place. A place where you are not confined by who you were or what you had done, but where your only confine is what you make in your mind. Truly that’s what it is now. Fear, anger, disbelief. Where do you think they come from?

Where does this training come from? There are everyday emotions and actions that people take that I can rarely fathom. Someone told me recently that anger wasn’t a primary emotion. It’s an aftermath of something else, hurt, pain, disappointment that all stem from these plans we make. So what should I primarily feel? I should feel grateful. Grateful that there was ever a chance to do these things at all. What is the point in disappointment? What does it change? There is this habit in us to hold onto things that don’t last. A habit that there is no sense in breaking. I will hold onto these things, but when the time comes for them to go, to be over, can I just let go.

Sometimes I exhaust myself with the same few subjects. The purpose, the life, the path. There are answers people find comfort in. There are answers I supply, but don’t take heed to myself. There is always something bigger than what is immediate. I think that’s why it feels to hard to me to deal with the here and now. It’s that large lip of the funnel I always go back to, that I cling to. That time where it was easy to believe in anything and see things in a positive way.  And I feel anguish for things gone so far away. For people that have been missing for years now. For places that only live in my memory anymore. I will always miss those places.

Things will always change and we will always have to adapt. The crippling pain of losing a loved one, the annoyance of having to start over, the envy of others who seem to not have to do the same: it will always be there. The difference is what you do with those broken moments, those missing people, the fallen tree. There’s a stump in our yard from where lightning stuck a tree. It’s all that’s left. And sometimes we feel like the stump, sometimes we feel like the trunk of the tree too. We feel expendable even to those that claim to love us.

I don’t want to be angry about things that don’t work out. I don’t want to be scared of change.  I don’t want to be afraid to walk out one door in case another doesn’t open. I don’t things will get easier. I don’t think saying goodbye will ever be desirable, but nothing lasts forever. I’m thankful for that.

The possibilities in life are endless and although that’s scary, there’s hope somewhere in there too.

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