Symbol In My Driveway
This picture really only serves to appease the more visually driven people. A personal confession: I think I am not too concerned with how each post looks or what pictures to include most of the time. In fact, it is burdensome and makes me lose track of what I really wanted to do in the first place. Write.
It’s been a while. I could you could say I’ve been processing and reprocessing the things around me, the things going on, or more accurately the things that haven’t happened. I am neglecting to mention a trip to Florida and my first half marathon until now mostly because I don’t think anyone cares or should care about that. If you want to know, you could always ask. This is not what that’s for, or at least I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be hindered by the number of views I have in a day, like the number of comments or notifications I can receive. It’s a moot point.
One thing I am never short of these days is advice. In all honesty, I always have advice for people and taking my own advice is probably the thing that happens the least in my life. Luckily, everyone sees the unemployed, struggling college grad as an easy target to unload advice and life stories on. The advice doesn’t go unappreciated, although I will say that this time has led to an increase in my already sensitive person. Yes, I often take things personally that I shouldn’t and, no, I don’t really like to admit that often. My most recent advisor was met in the local coffee shop. I was trying to leave since the place was closing, but he continued to quietly suggest things to do or not to do. He told me how he would hire someone and what he would look for. I walked away feeling slighted because, well, when you have to admit you can’t do it on your own…Here are the two points to take away. First, I am extremely stubborn right now and resistant to the idea that I may have to go back to the same summer job I’ve had for the past four years. Second, the man told me to write. He told me that he’d much rather hire someone who has been busy doing something, anything, and growing despite their unemployment. Naturally, I felt guilty. I’ve been reading and applying for jobs, but writing. That hasn’t been happening or coming as easily as it used to.
I could account for that in several ways. For one, I don’t have much going on. No one wants to admit it and once you admit it, it becomes an infection on your brain and perception of yourself. All these things become so exaggerated especially with the amount of free time I have. And the solution is to find something to do. The solution is to stop thinking about things in that way. The solution is to do something and find something to say. I’m not looking for more advice or an answer. I think I just want control over my life again. A foolish notion no doubt since there is no such thing. I guess I want the belief of control.
I just keep thinking about people. I think about how we all have those things that make the days pass, sometimes worth while, sometimes just time passers. School, work, God, family, children, books, art, running…whatever it is, it’s what gives structure to a day, it gives meaning to existence and shape to what comes next. If you were to ask me what’s next, I wouldn’t know how to answer. In the back of my mind there is this festering notion that having a job wouldn’t make me feel much better about things. It would make things easier no doubt. It would stop the advisors, it would stop the persisting questions from my parents, it would stop that flag in the back of my mind always saying, “no money, no job, no life.” That’s a bit more dramatic than it actually occurs. However, as someone who often takes things personally, it is incredibly difficult to apply for twenty some jobs in a month and not hear back from a single one. Oh, I did get a rejection email today…mind you I also got an email asking for an interview to write for some website no one has heard of.
The other piece of advice the coffee shop man told me was to never send my resume in an email…now I had no idea how to break the news to him that most job applications are online and they encourage you to submit online. Don’t worry, I am sufficiently angry about the subject since I believe it makes it easier to reject mass numbers of hopeful applicants without ever seeing a face or hearing a voice. Most job postings now include, “no calls.” So that classic advice of following up with a call now looks like a, “no-no,” to me, the hopeful and often disappointed applicant. Let me just some up the job search process by saying, it sucks.
I now watch old movies where the hopeful applicant takes a newspaper, circles jobs, and goes in asking for an interview with such envy. Of course, I can still call and go in to ask for the job, but it’s drastically different. The job offer I may be getting is for a website. The editor is in Mexico. My position would be filled from my desktop computer at home. Tell me, is that surprising to you?
As a side note, the unfortunate thing for you, the reader, is that when I do actually write, I have a ton to say.
Sometimes, I think I belong in a different time. A time where this would be in a paper journal that no one would read unless I handed them that journal. Aspects of this period are so nice and easy. But I can’t imagine how people had confidence before. Jack Johnson, a pretty awesome writer and musician in my opinion, would have to gain confidence through concerts, not through Facebook page fans, or Twitter followers. As another side note, I make fun of Twitter pretty often. I’m just not sure that the whole tweeting thing is for me. There’s no one I would want to “follow,” in fact, I think it may serve as an ego booster since you can now base your popularity off the number of followers you can get on a social media page. That’s my point, I guess. The average person can have a blog or a twitter and they can write and say things that people find funny or interesting. And that person’s confidence would likely grow or diminish by the number of followers or readers they have. It’s nice, in a way. The average person has such a huge opportunity to feel like a bigger part in this world, but I feel nostalgia for a more simple period. A period where a writer wrote something and the merit wasn’t placed in the number of readers. Perhaps there is a flaw in my thinking, since even then, things were based off profit and the number of papers or books bought. My point is that I think there is a false confidence in these social medias at times. A side note to my side note about Twitter, I actually respect the creator a huge amount. Recent article in Vanity Fair, worth checking out.
I guess, it seemed more simple when I could just write something. When I didn’t have to include pictures to entice a reader. Maybe someone will see this picture of my man, Jack, and be tricked into reading some blog about jobs? Jobs have nothing to do with Jack Johnson! Just listen to the song and that will make it a little better…The thing is, I just would like to walk into an office and ask for a job, not because I have a meeting set up, not because the editor liked my work, but because I am an unemployed college grad that really loves the work their company does…
The thing is, falling apart in life is a regular thing in ways. We act like it’s not when it happens. Because everything really is that awful. And we acknowledge that things will get better, but we want that right this second. And, no, no one understands. How could they? There are only how many people in the world that have the exact same problems as you, and you think you are alone? Not everyone can rationalize these feelings to the point that they disappear.
In Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five, he always says, “listen..” as if the reader isn’t paying attention. They probably aren’t, but listen: it’ll be alright and I will too. Just have some faith.